I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
