i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
