If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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