Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
