I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
