he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
