I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
