Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
