I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
