I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
