You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
