Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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