it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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