Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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