Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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