Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
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