If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
