im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
