Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
