I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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