waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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