Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
