My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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