It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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