shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
