She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize