i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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