Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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