I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
