i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
