Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
