sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
