Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
