mondays should just be called national damage control day
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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