dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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