I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
