if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
