she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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