i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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