I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
