I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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