EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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