Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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