What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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