i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
