we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
