Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
