You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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