I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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