i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize