Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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