She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drunk is a universal language darling
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