Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
