my mouth tastes like poor choices
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
