I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
