She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
