I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Sober January is a disaster.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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